Share the Power
Society (and some cultures) tell us that our children should “obey right away” and “be seen and not heard”. Many of us parents were raised with spanking as the norm, with being told that we must “do as we are told” or there will be consequences. Can I just challenge this thinking a bit?
As adults in the relationships we are in, we expect to have autonomy, make our own choices, and be respected. Yet, do we provide this for our kids? Are we raising our kids to know what it is like to have autonomy, make safe choices and be respected? If we demand respect, obedience and control all that our kids do, they will become adults that do not know how to be autonomous, make safe choices and be respected. So what’s the solution?
Share the power! Instead of telling your children what they are going to do, provide choices. This can be as simple as two choices for snack, two choices for which pajamas to put on, or two choices for what they want to do that day. Choices can also come into play when a child is stuck with a transition, is upset that something didn’t go the way they hoped, or is feeling anxious about an event. Providing opportunities for choices teaches out kids that they can trust their judgment and can make safe choices.
Provide opportunities for children to be autonomous. Wouldn’t you rather let your kids try something for themselves while you are still there to help them, comfort them and cheer them on? They may fail or make a mistake, but then you are there to comfort them and help them try again. Of course it takes patience and isn’t as quick as if we were to just do it for them, but the final result is much more important than us feeling inconvenienced. Instead of brushing your child’s teeth for them, let them try on their own but be there to encourage and cheer them on (and probably get the spots they missed when they are done). Instead of cleaning your child’s room for them, do it with them and praise them as they make progress towards their own success. The bed doesn’t have to be perfectly made according to your standards, and if they have done their very best, success!
Finally, respect. If you are feeling disrespected by your child, take a moment to reflect on whether you are respecting them. Do you raise your voice often? Do you roll your eyes at them? Are you short with them? Do you look at your phone while talking to them? We need to model for our kids what we hope they will pick up. Model kindness, gentleness, respect, listening, seeing them, and valuing who they are as humans. They will pick this up and learn the skills needed to respect others, but also will learn what it feels like to be respected. The last thing any of us want as parents is for our kids to end up adults in relationships that lack respect! Start teaching them now how to give and get respect.
So share the power. Don’t demand that it be “your way or the highway”. Give them choices. Provide opportunities for autonomy. Be respectful. This will go a long way into their adult life and will also stop any generational trauma in it’s tracks that you have the potential to carry into your parenting. Your children are worth it!